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MR D.J.S. MITCHELL AND MISS V.E. COREN. The engagement is announced between David, son of Mr and Mrs Ian Mitchell, of Oxford, and Victoria, daughter of Dr Anne Coren and the late Mr Alan Coren, of London.

Curvaceous yummy top-heavy writer and poker champion Victoria Coren is to marry television “personality” cult comedian and writer David Mitchell.

Ms Coren, 38, announced the engagement in The Times’s social and personal pages. The daughter of journalist and broadcaster Alan Coren, she is also the sister of Giles Coren, a columnist for The Times.

In 2006, she won the main event on the European Poker Tour, pocketing £500,000. She has a first-class degree from Oxford University and regularly contributes to the Observer and the BBC.

Mr Mitchell, best known as half of the duo Mitchell and Webb, was first rumoured to be involved with Ms Coren by the Telegraph’s Mandrake column last March. But the couple have largely kept their relationship a secret until now.

I had always fondly believed that “V.C.” and I shared an unspoken understanding, from the days when we would play in her father’s cherry orchard in leafy Cricklewood, north London, that one day she would become Mrs Stainforth.

Alas, she has succumbed to the superficial charm of this Mitchell bloke, forgetting the joy we had in those halcyon days when we flung us on the windy hill and kissed the lovely grass.

Breathless, we flung us on the windy hill,
Laughed in the sun, and kissed the lovely grass.
You said, “Through glory and ecstasy we pass;
Wind, sun, and earth remain, the birds sing still,
When we are old, are old. . . .” “And when we die
All’s over that is ours; and life burns on
Through other lovers, other lips,” said I,
“Heart of my heart, our heaven is now, is won!”

“We are Earth’s best, that learnt her lesson here.
Life is our cry. We have kept the faith!” we said;
“We shall go down with unreluctant tread
Rose-crowned into the darkness!” . . . Proud we were,
And laughed, that had such brave true things to say.
And then you suddenly cried, and turned away.

(Rupert Brooke, The Hill)

Breathless, we flung us on the windy hill,
Laughed in the sun, and kissed the lovely grass.
You said, “Through glory and ecstasy we pass;
Wind, sun, and earth remain, the birds sing still,
When we are old, are old . . . ” “And when we die
All’s over that is ours; and life burns on
Through other lovers, other lips,” said I,
“Heart of my heart, our heaven is now, is won!”

“We are Earth’s best, that learnt her lesson here.
Life is our cry. We have kept the faith!” we said;
“We shall go down with unreluctant tread
Rose-crowned into the darkness!” . . . Proud we were,
And laughed, that had such brave true things to say.
And then you suddenly cried, and turned away.

(Rupert Brooke, 1910)

The Queen of Gastroporn & Caramel Bukkake

(Source: Daily Mail)

Thanks to her lustrous locks and generous cleavage, another part of the Nigella Lawson anatomy has gone largely unnoticed over the years.

But the 51-year-old Queen of Gastroporn & Caramel Bukkake is now happy to draw attention to her beautiful bum.

On a lunch date with her husband, revolting ugly multi-millionaire Charles Saatchi, she stepped out in a short jacket and skintight jeans to illustrate the confidence she has gained following recent weight loss.

Seasoned Nigella-watchers will be aware this is a significant departure from the flowing garments she usually wears.

The next Mrs Stainforth is said to have dropped from a size 18 to a 12 amid claims she followed the Clean & Lean plan.

The diet was devised by trainer James Duigan, who has also advised Elle Macpherson and Rosie Huntington-Whiteley (whoever they are).

The next Mrs Stainforth. Fuck.

Click to embiggen

Dear Reader, be honest, wouldn’t you prefer to look at her across the breakfast table every morning, rather than, say, Gwyneth Paltrow? She certainly wouldn’t whine as much.

She could be the next Mrs Stainforth, but I’m not prepared to reveal her name … yet.

Thanks to Tess Kincaid for that word “embiggen”, which just seemed appropriate to the image.

Gwyneth Paltrow admits marriage to Coldplay’s Chris Martin ‘is hard’

Christina Aguilera is once again a single woman now that her divorce to Jordan Bratman (whoever the fuck he is) is complete and final.

Aguilera, who married record producer Bratman in Napa Valley, California, five years ago, filed for divorce last October.

The Burlesque star’s marriage officially ended last week with the singing sensation citing irreconcilable differences as the reason for their split.

The former couple have agreed to share custody of their three-year-old son Max, and will divide their assets according to the pre-nuptial agreement.

The one-time Disney starlet recently spoke about her arrest last month for public intoxication whilst in the company of her new beau Matt Rutler. She said: “I can laugh about my own hiccups and my own experiences in life because I’m getting through it.”

She continued (she just can’t shut the fuck up): “In light of the past year, there have been obvious setbacks. I’ve gone through a really hard divorce, and anyone who has gone through a divorce will speak about how hard the journey is from start to finish. It’s a life-uprooting time and there have been hiccups along the way that unfortunately the whole world gets to witness and judge.”

She is the next Mrs Stainforth …

Seriously, the next Mrs Stainforth.

Knowing my luck, she’s probably a dyke.

Fifteen seconds of totally unscripted red-hot girl-on-girl lipstick lesbian action that could well destroy the careers of these two top-flight A-list Hollywood actors.

Sandra Bullock was picking up a Generation Award for her lifetime achievement of performances in such classics as Speed and … er … Speed 2.

Scarlett Johansson’s cleavage has appeared in such classics as Eight-Legged Freaks and … er… that one where she shoots some guy.

They have both now dropped well down the list of contenders to be the next Mrs Stainforth.

Two years ago, men’s magazine Nuts named GMTV’s Kate Garraway the UK’s third annual WISA of the Year (Woman I Secretly Adore).

There are a lot of youtubers who abuse themselves when she appears on television. Go and look if you don’t believe me. But be warned, some of the comments are not for the faint-hearted.

By the way, Kate just misses my shortlist for the next Mrs Stainforth, at No. 7.

The Queen of Gastroporn, who came sixth in the Nuts poll, is still my No. 1.

That’s it, baby, when you’ve got it, flaunt it, flaunt it!

(Mel Brooks, The Producers)

Jane Goldman exposed most of her ample chest at the UK premiere of Kick-Ass.

When she gets rid of overpaid overweight overgrown schoolboy Jonathan Ross, Jane could be the next Mrs Stainforth.

Related:

Fury as Mrs Ross’s shocker gets a 15 rating



Arts

Bigelow shows off her two big ones

You may wonder what the job of being a Gulf War journalist is like. Well, we spend all day broadcasting on the radio and TV telling people back home what’s happening over here. And we learn what’s happening over here by spending all day monitoring the radio and TV broadcasts from back home. You may also wonder how any actual information ever gets into this loop.

(P.J. O’Rourke, Give War a Chance: Dispatches from the Gulf War, 1991)

Kathryn Bigelow is now a strong contender to become the next Mrs Stainforth. Those on the shortlist are (in order of wealth):

1. J.K. Rowling
2. Nigella Lawson
3. Helena Bonham Carter
4. Kathryn Bigelow
5. Katherine Jenkins

As for her film, The Hurt Locker starts out serious, but it runs out of steam half way through, and then ditches the original story for fantastical adventures that the characters would not have been involved in if it were real.

Also, the movie doesn’t try to explain or even understand the situation in Iraq, it’s content to simply pull on heart strings. I would have preferred something less heart on sleeve, and more intellectually stimulating. Would anything approaching a narrative be too much to ask for?

And it has a pretentious title; should have called it Guys Defusin’ Bombs, or even better Smoke ’Em If You Got ’Em.

Oscars 2010: is Kathryn Bigelow’s victory a win for women?
Kathryn Bigelow: director with a different take



Arts

Black Dogs Defined

This is the best of me; for the rest, I ate, and drank, and slept, loved and hated, like another: my life was as the vapour and is not; but this I saw and knew; this, if anything of mine, is worth your memory.

(John Ruskin, Sesame and Lilies)

Whatever people say I am, that’s what I’m not.

(Alan Sillitoe, Saturday Night and Sunday Morning)

This is my letter to the world, that never wrote to me.

(Emily Dickinson, This is my letter to the world)

Safe upon the solid rock the ugly houses stand:
Come and see my shining palace built upon the sand!

(Edna St. Vincent Millay, Second Fig)

R.A.D. Stainforth

I was born before The Beatles’ first LP and brought up in the reeking slums of Jericho. I am in love with a woman called Hazel and in love with her daughter, also called Hazel, both of whom I met at Alcoholics Anonymous.

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