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Do not underestimate the Cleggerons.
Captain Black, the Cleggerons’ Director of Communications, today issued the following statement:
THIS IS THE VOICE OF THE CLEGGERONS! WE KNOW THAT YOU CAN HEAR US EARTHMEN!
OUR RETALIATION WILL BE SLOW, BUT NONETHELESS EFFECTIVE! IT WILL MEAN THE ULTIMATE DESTRUCTION OF LIFE ON EARTH! IT WILL BE USELESS FOR YOU TO RESIST, FOR WE HAVE DISCOVERED THE SECRET OF REVERSING MATTER, AS YOU HAVE JUST WITNESSED!
ONE OF YOU WILL BE UNDER OUR CONTROL!
YOU WILL BE INSTRUMENTAL IN AVENGING THE MYSTERONS! OUR FIRST ACT OF RETALIATION WILL BE TO ASSASSINATE YOUR WORLD PRESIDENT!
David Cameron and Nick Clegg were unavailable for comment.
Twelve voices were shouting in anger, and they were all alike. No question, now, what had happened to the faces of the pigs. The creatures outside looked from pig to man, and from man to pig, and from pig to man again; but already it was impossible to say which was which.
(George Orwell, Animal Farm)
Did you vote Conservative? Congratulations!
Did you vote Liberal Democrat? Well done!
NOW YOU MUST BOW TO THE CLEGGERONS! YOU WILL OBEY! LIVE LONG AND PROSPER! KHLEGGERON MAH! DAH YIDIL! IWLIJ JACHJAJ! QID HOCH! HOH HOCHDICH!
Ni’jaj yInraj ‘ej SuQuchtaHjaj SuQutlhchuqtaHjaj SuHo’chuqtaHjaj je!
The Queen is the Heineken beer of our system: there are parts of our constitution only she can reach.
(Professor Peter Hennessy)
So Nick Clegg of the Liberal Bloody Democrats is the most important man in British politics.
Now, who wants another election? I predict October.
Here’s part of a letter from Hazel Blears MP to her constituents in Salford. She had her snout stuck as firmly in the Westminster trough as any slippery tax-dodging Tory, so now she’s desperate to gain some credibility and hold on to her seat, which has been declared a marginal constituency for the first time in 1,000 years.
I grew up in the 1960s in Salford in a traditional working class street, with children playing outside terraced houses, and neighbours who looked out for each other.
My Dad was a fitter in a factory. As a teenager, my Mum had won a scholarship to a London arts college, but couldn’t afford to go. She worked as a secretary for the Plumbers’ and Electricians’ union.
When my brother and I were little, they filmed the classic black and white film “A Taste of Honey” on location in Salford. The director, Tony Richardson, saw us playing in our street. He asked my mum if he cold film us and my Mum, being a proud working class woman, scooped us up and put us in our Sunday best. The film director wanted us running around barefoot, and my Mum wanted us to be better than that. I’ve still got those same aspirations.
I grew up with a strong sense of social justice – life just didn’t seem fair to me. At 14, I saw a homeless person eating dinner from a rubbish bin, and I was angry that someone had to live like that.
My young friend Melissa and I went to a bit of a garden party at Hazel Blears’ house before the last General Election. There were cans of Stella Artois cooling in the ornamental pond and thick slices of halloumi sizzling on the barbecue. We were all impressed by Hazel’s pro-European stance.
She had her fingers burnt in the expenses scandal and has spent more time in Salford since then. But will it be enough?
If you are one of those people who back a horse based on the colour of the jockey’s silks, these pics of the three main party leaders’ wives may help you decide who to vote for.
1979 saw the beginning of 18 years of Tory rule. Within three years, The Jam had split up, i.e. Paul Weller got pissed off with the other two and formed The Style Council. Who wants to go through something like that again?
The current leader of the Conservative Party, David Cameron, went to Eton.
Heidi has said she wants to make her bust even larger, but she can’t because she has reached the FDA approved size limit for breast implants.
I can honestly say that I had never heard of Heidi Montag until today.
But now I am horribly fascinated.
She was born in Crested Butte, Colorado. She is married to someone called Spencer Pratt. Her debut album Superficial was digitally released in January 2010 and sold 1,000 copies in the first week.
Heidi Montag top 10: All you need to know about the plastic surgery loving reality TV star
From the girl next door to freaky fake
What is “back scooping”? Heidi Montag’s plastic surgery procedure is fairly common, docs say
This ancient lacy number is thought to be the world’s oldest push-up bra.
The 200-year-old boob enhancer was discovered in storage at the Science Museum in London. The pads were designed to boost the cleavage like a modern Wonderbra, made famous by the 1990s “Hello Boys” ads featuring model Eva Herzigova.
The bra, dating from the 1800s, will go on show for the first time next Wednesday.
The museum’s assistant curator Selina Hurley said: “We think of body enhancement as a modern invention. But this object shows that women have been looking to boost their cleavage for hundreds of years. This bust enhancer is one-of-a-kind in our collection.”