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Time to get the Jag fixed up!

In a few hours I will be arriving at the Willow Manor Ball where birthday girl Tess Kincaid and her remarkable guests are partying from midnight to midnight (5 a.m. BST).

Christina Hendricks and her Johnnie Walker went down so well last year that she is once again riding shotgun with a case of Black Label; in fact she has already started.


Squeezed in the back are Tracey Emin and Eliza Carthy – both party animals. Strapped to the roofrack is an unmade bed which Tracey insisted on bringing.

What to wear? What to wear? This year I have gone for a touch of pink.


See you there!

Public Image Limited by Laura Levine

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Tracey Emin leaves the GQ Men of the Year Awards

Speed dating would appear to have found an unlikely new disciple in Tracey Emin.

The artist, who broke up with Scott Douglas, a photographer, after a seven-year relationship, says she feels the method offers her the best chance of finding someone suitable. “I meet men every day of my life, but I really want to go speed dating,” says Miss Emin, 47. “Speed dating’s about what you say. I think it would be good fun. I want to meet some new men.”

At speed dating events, men and women are rotated to meet each other in a series of brief encounters. At the close of play, participants submit to the organisers a list of whom they would like to provide their contact information to. If there is a match, contact information is forwarded to both parties.

I’d speed date her …

When I wept bitter tears over the cold bitch who dumped me in Fournier Street, London E1, 25 years ago, how could I have known that one day there would be living and breathing in that very same street the woman of my dreams?

Perhaps one day (but it had better be soon) Tracey and I will have beautiful babies together …

OK, OK, I’ve had a couple of drinks.

It is important to check your spelling when you type in search terms.

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R.A.D. Stainforth

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She’s famous for disrupting the Turner Prize awards dinner in 1997 after turning up drunk.

And last night was another eventful evening for Tracey Emin, who had to be carried out to her car after indulging a little too much at the GQ Men of the Year awards.

It was an eventful night for the 47-year-old artist, who arrived at the Royal Opera House for the event dressed as Top Gear’s The Stig, before taking off her white jumpsuit to reveal a blue Vivienne Westwood cocktail dress.

She said: “I did used to be an alcoholic. Now I get drunk when I go out as opposed to getting drunk, staying in on my own. My maximum amount of alcohol these days is a bottle and a half of good, white wine. Maybe two, if it’s mixed with water. At that point, I usually black out. But, I’ve come a long way from the four cans of Stella, one bottle of brandy and anything that I could shove down my gullet in a night.”

(Source: Daily Mail)

Christchurch, New Zealand: A wrecked house in Canterbury, near the earthquake epicentre at Darfield

I sincerely hope that the twats who typed in these search terms found what they were looking for following the disappointment of being directed to this blog.

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For some time one of the top ten search terms used by visitors to this blog has been “tracey emin tits”. At last I have a post for anyone who has ever typed those three words into a search engine:

Artist Tracey Emin has unveiled her latest work – new 34DD breasts following reduction surgery. The 46-year-old, famous for works such as her unmade bed, decided to go under the knife after failing to reduce her bust through a low-calorie diet.

She said: “I was a 34G. I lost a stone on the diet but my breasts were getting bigger. This was causing problems that could get worse as I approach the menopause. I’m now a very happy 34DD without neckache, without backache and headaches.”

Before breast reduction surgery the modern artist, whose installation My Bed won the 1999 Turner Prize, needed a support bra to disguise her cleavage.

She claims she was flat chested in her early teens but developed a large bust after taking the contraceptive pill at 14. She said: “They grew out of control. My grandmother had a 46in chest, it runs in the family.”

Tracey says she has taken up running again now that it is no longer painful.

“I’ve not kept it secret,” she added. “Everybody knows. I’ve been out celebrating. I’d advise any woman to do the same.”

Black Dogs Defined

This is the best of me; for the rest, I ate, and drank, and slept, loved and hated, like another: my life was as the vapour and is not; but this I saw and knew; this, if anything of mine, is worth your memory.

(John Ruskin, Sesame and Lilies)

Whatever people say I am, that’s what I’m not.

(Alan Sillitoe, Saturday Night and Sunday Morning)

This is my letter to the world, that never wrote to me.

(Emily Dickinson, This is my letter to the world)

Safe upon the solid rock the ugly houses stand:
Come and see my shining palace built upon the sand!

(Edna St. Vincent Millay, Second Fig)

R.A.D. Stainforth

I was born before The Beatles’ first LP and brought up in the reeking slums of Jericho. I am in love with a woman called Hazel and in love with her daughter, also called Hazel, both of whom I met at Alcoholics Anonymous.

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