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Nigella Lawson rowed in public with Charles Saatchi.

In photographs published in a Sunday newspaper, the television chef appears to have become embroiled in a violent dispute with the wealthy art dealer.

The couple were sitting outside Scott’s in Mayfair, central London, when he appeared to lean over and grab her by the throat.

Lawson, 53, looked terrified before leaving the restaurant alone in floods of tears.

A witness told the Sunday People: “It was utterly shocking to watch.

“I have no doubt she was scared. It was horrific, really. She was very tearful and was constantly dabbing her eyes. Nigella was very, very upset. She had a real look of fear on her face.”

The witness added: “He looked guilty. It was clear he knew he’d done something wrong. He was menacing, there’s no question. She had been abused and humiliated in public.

“No man should do that to a woman. She raised her voice and got angry but at the same time was trying to calm him down, almost like you would try to calm down a child.”

I always knew Saatchi was a shit, but now it appears he is a stupid violent shit. Will he get away with it? Probably. Scotland Yard has received no complaints about the incident, which happened in a public place. No one intervened.

Click to embiggen Nigella Lawson

(Source: Telegraph)

Nigella Lawson has called in lawyers to deny claims that she bought “under the counter” foie gras at Selfridges in London.

The Queen of Gastroporn and Caramel Bukkake vehemently denied a newspaper report published at the weekend suggesting that she bought the controversial French delicacy from Jack O’Shea, a prominent butcher, at his former concession in the department store.

Although production of foie gras – made from the enlarged livers of force-fed geese – is banned in Britain, it can be sold legally and is stocked in a number of London shops.

Selfridges banned it on animal welfare grounds two years ago after a high-profile campaign led by Sir Roger Moore, the former James Bond actor. Mr O’Shea, however, continued to offer it for sale to a select group of customers who requested it using the code name “French fillet” (reminding me of the sinister butcher of Royston Vasey, Hilary Briss, from The League of Gentlemen). He who said he prided himself on his animal welfare standards, and was unrepentant after his dismissal from Selfridges last year. He said at the time: “I couldn’t give a damn, my conscience is clear. Stuffing a goose with grain is like stuffing me with Guinness.”

(Source: Daily Mail)

For women anxious about their weight, horizontal stripes are usually a serious fashion no-no.

But Nigella Lawson Queen of Gastroporn and Caramel Bukkake clearly has nothing to worry about on that score, having lost three stone in the last few months.

So the TV cook was happy to show off her newly slender frame at the weekend in a navy and orange striped jumper, teamed with skin-tight black trousers and a pair of elegant black suede boots.

The 52-year-old was photographed on Saturday, after lunch at the exclusive Scott’s fish restaurant in central London.

I’m in love … I need a stiff drink …

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The Queen of Gastroporn & Caramel Bukkake

(Source: Daily Mail)

Thanks to her lustrous locks and generous cleavage, another part of the Nigella Lawson anatomy has gone largely unnoticed over the years.

But the 51-year-old Queen of Gastroporn & Caramel Bukkake is now happy to draw attention to her beautiful bum.

On a lunch date with her husband, revolting ugly multi-millionaire Charles Saatchi, she stepped out in a short jacket and skintight jeans to illustrate the confidence she has gained following recent weight loss.

Seasoned Nigella-watchers will be aware this is a significant departure from the flowing garments she usually wears.

The next Mrs Stainforth is said to have dropped from a size 18 to a 12 amid claims she followed the Clean & Lean plan.

The diet was devised by trainer James Duigan, who has also advised Elle Macpherson and Rosie Huntington-Whiteley (whoever they are).

The next Mrs Stainforth. Fuck.

Nigella Lawson is 51 … and still as fit as a butcher’s dog … I’d give my right arm for one night in bed with her … it’s a minor compulsion, I can deal with it if I want to …

I am in the middle of a love affair with salted caramel. It’s heady, it’s passionate, it may – like the stalker’s obsessive focus – not be entirely healthy, but I take the view that few in this world have the luxury to be blasé about pleasure. There’s simply not enough of it about for us to gainsay what gifts are offered up for our enjoyment. True, for many, self-denial has its own exquisite agony, but I am not among their number. For me, a “more is more” kind of a person, I don’t want merely to experience pleasure, I want to wallow in it – gloriously and gratefully – while it lasts.
(Nigella Lawson, Queen of Gastroporn & Caramel Bukkake)

Nigella Lawson Queen of Gastroporn caused quite a stir last week when this photograph of her appeared on the front cover of a magazine. In extreme close-up, warm salt caramel is oozing down her face and hands, dripping from her eyelids and lips.

In all innocence Nigella Lawson has denied the image was “sexualised” and dismissed suggestions that she had any “flirtatious style”.

“I think that appetite is seen as hearty in a male and slightly wanton and lascivious in a female, but that’s just about perception,” she said. “The image is simply rapturous joy in caramel. It’s not obligatory to be smutty minded. When people say to me ‘she does double entendre’, I have never done double entendre in my life. I’m not that kind of person.”

(To which I respond “Whatever!” . I think appetite is about eating food and not pouring it over your head.)

“I really was covered in caramel! And I arrived back home after, incredibly sticky, and had to give myself a vigorous hosing-down. I was in the shower for about an hour!”

In fact, with this photograph, Nigella has invented a subcategory of gastroporn, what we might call “caramel bukkake”. I can almost believe that she is unaware of the term bukkake, but I cannot believe the same of the photographer and designer of this shoot.

For those who, like La Lawson herself, cannot see why this photograph might be considered porn, here is some real porn for you to compare (and this really is a great shot):

Asked what would be her last meal on Earth given the choice, the Queen of Gastroporn, who is one year older than me, says: “I don’t think you have enough space for everything I’d eat for my last meal! I’d have spaghetti with clams – no tomatoes, just a white wine sauce with chilli and garlic; roasted chicken with a side of chips and roasted potatoes and mashed potatoes; blue cheese with French bread; blackberries with heavy cream and cookies. Finally, I would have some great coffee with salted caramels.”

She adds: “Now that I think about it, I don’t want to wait until my last meal to eat this. I’ll probably eat it a lot sooner.”

I do hope Nigella has not been pressured by her revolting egg-eating husband Charles Saatchi to go on a diet.

I’m all dressed up for the 4th Annual Willow Manor Ball which is tomorrow … I’m allowing plenty of time to get there. Just time for a quick glass of Highland Park before I jump in the Jag.

Wait a minute! What’s this? A text from Nigella Lawson Queen of Gastroporn: plz tk me 2 ball …

Well, perhaps I could squeeze her in. See you at Willow Manor!

I was rather hoping that Nigella Lawson Queen of Gastroporn would accompany me to the Willow Manor Ball this year but I haven’t heard from her.

With hostess gorgeous pouting Tess Kincaid one is guaranteed an evening of shining wit and sparkling conversation, as well as unlimited alcoholic refreshment, and as she herself once pointed out, the ball mysteriously lasts for 24 hours.

Still, I’ll be getting the Jag fixed up and arriving in some style to drink and dance and flirt outrageously with all of the women and even some of the men. Cheers!

Black Dogs Defined

This is the best of me; for the rest, I ate, and drank, and slept, loved and hated, like another: my life was as the vapour and is not; but this I saw and knew; this, if anything of mine, is worth your memory.

(John Ruskin, Sesame and Lilies)

Whatever people say I am, that’s what I’m not.

(Alan Sillitoe, Saturday Night and Sunday Morning)

This is my letter to the world, that never wrote to me.

(Emily Dickinson, This is my letter to the world)

Safe upon the solid rock the ugly houses stand:
Come and see my shining palace built upon the sand!

(Edna St. Vincent Millay, Second Fig)

R.A.D. Stainforth

I was born before The Beatles’ first LP and brought up in the reeking slums of Jericho. I am in love with a woman called Hazel and in love with her daughter, also called Hazel, both of whom I met at Alcoholics Anonymous.

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