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Please take great care when you type something in a search engine … or you might end up here … as ever, I sincerely hope the people who typed in these search terms found what they were after …

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I am in the middle of a love affair with salted caramel. It’s heady, it’s passionate, it may – like the stalker’s obsessive focus – not be entirely healthy, but I take the view that few in this world have the luxury to be blasé about pleasure. There’s simply not enough of it about for us to gainsay what gifts are offered up for our enjoyment. True, for many, self-denial has its own exquisite agony, but I am not among their number. For me, a “more is more” kind of a person, I don’t want merely to experience pleasure, I want to wallow in it – gloriously and gratefully – while it lasts.
(Nigella Lawson, Queen of Gastroporn & Caramel Bukkake)

Nigella Lawson Queen of Gastroporn caused quite a stir last week when this photograph of her appeared on the front cover of a magazine. In extreme close-up, warm salt caramel is oozing down her face and hands, dripping from her eyelids and lips.

In all innocence Nigella Lawson has denied the image was “sexualised” and dismissed suggestions that she had any “flirtatious style”.

“I think that appetite is seen as hearty in a male and slightly wanton and lascivious in a female, but that’s just about perception,” she said. “The image is simply rapturous joy in caramel. It’s not obligatory to be smutty minded. When people say to me ‘she does double entendre’, I have never done double entendre in my life. I’m not that kind of person.”

(To which I respond “Whatever!” . I think appetite is about eating food and not pouring it over your head.)

“I really was covered in caramel! And I arrived back home after, incredibly sticky, and had to give myself a vigorous hosing-down. I was in the shower for about an hour!”

In fact, with this photograph, Nigella has invented a subcategory of gastroporn, what we might call “caramel bukkake”. I can almost believe that she is unaware of the term bukkake, but I cannot believe the same of the photographer and designer of this shoot.

For those who, like La Lawson herself, cannot see why this photograph might be considered porn, here is some real porn for you to compare (and this really is a great shot):

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Public Image Limited by Laura Levine

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Recommended by Jonathan Ross, the title of this classic is self-explanatory.

In each scene a horny MILF and a younger guy are reaching a sweaty climax when the guy’s best friend walks in and shouts “Dude, that’s my mom!”.

Black Dogs Defined

This is the best of me; for the rest, I ate, and drank, and slept, loved and hated, like another: my life was as the vapour and is not; but this I saw and knew; this, if anything of mine, is worth your memory.

(John Ruskin, Sesame and Lilies)

Whatever people say I am, that’s what I’m not.

(Alan Sillitoe, Saturday Night and Sunday Morning)

This is my letter to the world, that never wrote to me.

(Emily Dickinson, This is my letter to the world)

Safe upon the solid rock the ugly houses stand:
Come and see my shining palace built upon the sand!

(Edna St. Vincent Millay, Second Fig)

R.A.D. Stainforth

I was born before The Beatles’ first LP and brought up in the reeking slums of Jericho. I am in love with a woman called Hazel and in love with her daughter, also called Hazel, both of whom I met at Alcoholics Anonymous.

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